As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.
During my long years as an expert in things, animals, beasts and toxic people in general, I have captured, dissect, research, experience, document and even fuc… whatever, enough with this list… dozens of creatures of any size and shape. Some of them are really strange and, of coarse, very interesting… Well, this buffamel ain’t nothing of that!
According to my research work (which took me a full evening and part of the night, after dinner but before taking my usual dump before sleep), many years before the great soziety cracking down the toilet, the big brains of the world might have been really fans of mixing up species just because, big time. There is no other explanation I can think of.
These buffamels are sturdy creatures, which can weight up to 300 pounders and up to 2 meters (6 feet, you morons) to the shoulders. More than that, up to 9 feet, from head to tail.
Buffamels have big heads, with eyes the size of my blue balls from months of not getting laid properly, with the same brownish color. From their heads protrude (you liked that one, eh?) two huge, thick horns, one from each side right above their relatively small ears. Like the ones my auncle Aurelio suffered last year, more or less. This horn situation can vary greatly, as this critter has suffered plenty of alterations along the years and sometimes you can find some buffamels with pretty funny mutations. They have big snouts, which leads me to two possible explanations: whether they rely almost exclusively in their smell to find edible plants across the arid plains of the Wasteland, or more likely they use them to sniff it all up their noses and bring some light to their brutish lives. Their mouth is full of big, flat teeth with no fangs.
Buffamels are big, resilient creatures. A big ball of meat and muscles covered in a thick skin with dense hair. They also have two humps on their backs, like the one my grandpa had but with less hair, where they stock fat, proteins and water in case they have to suffer a food shortage. Their legs end in solid hoofs, and they also have a short tail right above their assholes..
According to old-as-fuck printed texts called “leaflinglets”, it seems that these unnatural crossed critters might be exposed in some monitorized closed areas called “zoos”. I had never heard about those strange places with animals to watch, but according to my readings they seem to have been quite popular, not very different to some of the settlements you can now find in some areas, full of beasts.
You can now find these animals in corrals, farms or grazing in the greenest zones of the Wasteland, almost in every settlement you will come across in your travels. And of course, in all these places there is people with too much free time wanting to warn you about the “humanity” of these beasts and disturbing all those nice folk that eat their meat or use the natural resources the animal gladly gives to us. Nonetheless, there are growing rumours about a buffamel sanctuary west of the hills of the Black Hole.
As you might have already deduced, there are not that many green zones in the Wasteland for these beings to graze, so in civilized areas they are fed with artificial fodder made by the locals out of god knows what.
They are boring as fuck. I had never seen this level of tranquility since I visited my second cousins in the family graveyard. These critters are born, grow, get big and they die/are killed with total ease. But don’t bother them during their mating season (yes, asshole, that’s when they fuck). Males can get really violent, cocky… and they spit!
You can use everything from a buffamel. Their skin is tanned and used in any kind of clothes you can think of. Meat and organs of a single buffamel could feed a small settlement for a month, not to talk about the nutritive milk from the females, which in my opinion is even better than the molers’. Horns and hoofs can be used to carve or craft many items. Their tails, if treated, can be turned into badass whips, and their “other” tail is a delicacy in some towns. But their humps are quite useless, as the buffamel’s fat is of low quality and only useful to them.
But the best use of a buffamel is during their life, as their main purpose in this world is pulling carts and wagons in the great caravans of the nomad people, although I have also seen long rows of buffamels loaded with wares and stuff led by buffamel shepherds. No doubt, the most useful animal in the world for traders, travelers and farmers.