Celebrities of the Wasteland: Eightfingers


– This is your first “Arena”, right, boy? It ‘s obvious, all you new guys get all cocky. But as soon as you go out there and your foe sees that the biggest scar you have is the one you got when you were two-ten and felt off a rock trying to steal the eggs of a poolpisser’s nest, that tough guy’s smile will disappear from your face. If you’re lucky and your Crib has trained you well, maybe you survive another more Arena. But believe me, it ain’t be like that; you’re fighting first, right after the lizarcocks, before even than the mongrels. That means they trust you as much as a Mutard in the Fifth Reich. They might even have bet against you.

– That’s against the Pit Law, a Crib can’t bet in a combat in which one of its members is involved.

– What a fool! That’s what they want us to think, but there are ways to avoid the Law. And you, buddy, must be the 2 to 1 in one of them.

I have fought in three-ten Arenas in almost every pit at Nowater, a real achievement, but far from the five-thirty of Eightfingers. I have been lucky, not that I am that good, but my Crib always gets some type of arrangement… or I do it on my side. That way they earn a little dirty money, but more than they would get if they pitched me against any of that mean beasts that dwell around here. Anything until they get the cash I owe them and I become useless, and I begin to fight after the lizarcocks and before the mongrels.

But who knows, maybe you don’t have a single scar because you are so darn good that you have never been hit, hahahaha! No, seriously, have you ever seen Eightfingers? He has scars even inside his mouth, and there is no better fighter than him. Bets go as high as 10 to 1; if there is anyone dumb enough to bet against him and Eightfingers die, he will be rich for the rest of his life. This guy is good, I tell ya, but he ain’t the best; he has wasted bigger and more expert rivals than himself, but people backs him and when he is behind that door, the crowd’s cheers give you an extra arm. Well, although I already got three, I wouldn’t mind a fourth, ya know? He is like a rock… but a rock that in some given moment enters a state of pure rage. I’m sure you have seen some lucha show when you were a kid, those that are pure theatre. It is all rigged and set; one of the fighters gets beaten and beaten until he suddenly remembers how to fight, and begins to make some ridiculous gestures and then beats the crap out of the other guy. Well, Eightfingers is one of those guys, but cracking skulls for real.

People love him, that dude is pure show and gives the crowd what the crowd wants to see, chopping heads when it’s right, maiming bodies when the time comes, forgiving when it’s time to forgive, and cheating without being… too obvious. He holds them in the palm of his hand… even when that hand only has four fingers, hahaha! You know the story of his name, right?

– Because he lost two fingers in combat, I guess?

– Now, you really are a newcomer, buddy. He wasn’t called like that before, he was known as… well, I don’t know how he was known, but he was a piece of shit like you. He built a name for himself fight after fight, increasing the power of the Mirinda Crib, and when he defeated Sixpack his fame bloated like an edgy martabbit. But Dentrium, Lord of the Pepsi Crib, offered to pay the whole Eightfinger’s debt, plus a shitload of bullet crates, and give him the “free-of-charge letter” and a fair salary as a Pit Doctor. The Mirinda Crib knew that, according to the Law, “if the new offer is fairer, you’d better fucking accept it”, so they had to wait for Eightfinger’s final Word. That asshole, against all judgment, gave this reply to Dentrium: “I would rather cut one of my own fingers before leaving my House”.

During The Great Blow, but not this one beginning now, the good old one, there was a great final free-for-all tag fight, like the ones you see nowadays, and there were Ash, Punchsucker and Eightfingers from the Mirinda Crib, and Minced Meat as last man standing for the Pepsi Crib. They had the Houses Tournament in their pocket and the last minute bets were raising to 32 to 1, when suddenly Eightfingers stabbed Ash and Punchsucker in the back with a spear, his own teammates!!! The entire Pit fell silent, as he was clearly breaking the Law and the only punishment for that was death, because he could not choose “Punishment battle” as he was already battling. But Eightfingers, cool as motherfuckin’ steel, took out his knife, chopped off one of his own fingers and threw it to the Lords tribune, repeating that phrase that would become a popular saying: “I would rather cut one of my own fingers”. He took the Pepsi can from the shield of a corpse and tore off his Mirinda one. So he was not breaking the Law, because “Forewarned is forearmed”.

Some gossiping tongues say that Eightfingers had made a great bet for the Pepsi Crib and won a small dirty fortune in the process, apart from the huge amount of bullets that Dentrium had offered for switching sides.

For that, and for doing it again with the Coke Crib, now he is known as Eightfingers. Maybe if our Tab Crib could offer him something better, we would have to begin calling him Sevenfingers.

Listen, boy, the siren is yelling. We are about to go, but do not worry. I would rather cut one of the three remaining fingers in my second left hand, before letting anything happen to you.


Birth name and parents unknown, the one we now know as Eightfingers was raised in Shithole, a waste disposal site near the eastern pillars of Scrapbridge where all the outcasts of the settlement end up living (those so useless or crippled that can’t make a living for themselves, pariah without a family or gang to take care of them).

During one the sweeps made by the fighter traders around the area, looking for poor bastards tired of living, he was taken away along with some other boys with the promise of making great warriors out of them. The real intention of these traders was using them as cannon fodder for a demonstration of what real fighters and beasts could do, prior to a public auction of warriors held in their House.
After a couple of days all the boys were dead or horribly maimed except for Eightfingers, who ends up locked in a cage with two mongrelmorphs. Surprisingly enough, on the next morning the mongrels were laying at his feet, slaughtered. He had killed them with his bare hands and teeth. That night he earned his firsts scars in the pit fights of Nowater.

Albrech Pyum, Lord of the Mirinda Crib, who was over there negociating some new meat for his house, was greatly impressed by the boy and paid for Eightfingers and the mongrelmorphs to take him home. Eightfingers begins his training as a true pit fighter, and although he doesn’t really stand out as a skilled warrior, he wins each and every of his fights. He is extremely resilient to pain and physical fatigue, brutally strong and knows how to get a second wind when he really needs it. In this period of his life, Eightfingers wants to be called the way everyone had ever called him: “You”.

In a fit of rage he kills Damon Saw, veteran fighter of the Mirinda Crib, when the latter tried to humiliate him in the canteen. Instead of putting a bullet in his brain, as was the rules of the House, Pyum decides to take advantage of this wild boy and give him a chance. Eightfingers will take Saw’s place in the fight against the champion of the Pepsi Crib, “Ram” Ramírez. As a penalty, if he survives, he will have to give all the income to the Mirinda Crib to pay for the cost of Saw, plus the compensation to the Pepsi Crib for the last-minute change of fighter.

In the fight Ramm proves to be better than Eightfingers, but the newcomer shows once again a feral physical resilience and, while severely injuried, turns the combat around and bites Ramm’s face off with his bare teeth (making the loser known ever since as Skeletor).

In the following years Eightfingers star rises as a comet, and he defeats one rival after another. All fights are quite the same: Eightfingers, who does not stand out for his skills or training, takes huge amounts of damage, but his superhuman resistance allows him to overcome pain and wounds to beat his opponent. The audience begins to associate a combat with Eightfingers to a bloody show and adores him for that. He earns the respect and favors of Lord Pyum in the Crib, to a “full extent” according to some evil gossipers.

Reese Howard, former champion of the Mirinda Crib, is jealous of the attention received by this new star from Pyum and the others. Eightfingers did not beat about the bush, and instead beated Reese to death, but not without having to take care for his own guts not to fall to the ground. After recovering from his grievous wound, Eightfingers has his debt to the House extended to pay for Reese’s cost and his income of 3 years.
The Kas Crib challenges Eightfingers to face their best fighter, Sixpack, a mean pit beast. The Kas rig the fight by pretending a failure in the cages of their pits, releasing two mongrelmorphs against him in the middle of the combat.

Eightfingers wastes both mongrelmorphs and Sixpack, although he also ends up turned into a bloody mess of torn flesh and cracked bones. But he survives his injuries, as usual. The Pepsi Crib then makes their famous proposal to Eightfingers, offering to pay his cost and settle his debt with Mirinda, but get the well known phrase “I would rather cut one of my own fingers before leaving my House” in response. After that, Eightfingers continues his victorious career.

Jester Santiago sets up the first Great Blow, a tag-team free-for-all fight among pit fighters across the Wasteland, out of Nowater. At the end there only stands Ash, Punchsucker and Eightfingers from the Mirinda Crib, and Minced Meat from the Pepsi one. Taking everyone by surprise, Eightfingers wastes his teammates and swaps Cribs with Pepsi after cutting off one of his fingers to avoid execution for breaking the Law. That day he earned a new nickname: Ninefingers.

It is rumored that Eightfingers also bet against his former House in that fight. Pepsi paid a whole arsenal for him, his accumulated debts and the costs of the deceased Ash and Punchsucker. Albrech Pyum, Lord of the Mirinda Crib, gets richer than he ever had though in his life, but his House becomes a second class one after losing its best fighters during the Great Blow.

After the huge success of the first Great Blow, Jester Santiago begins to prepare THE GREAT BLOW 2: LETHAL IMPACT!!! The Red Bull Crib stands victorious and Eightfingers leaves the tournament seriously injured after a few rounds. There are rumors everywhere that Albrech Pyum invested most of his fortune to rig the fights, paying some Houses, and even fighters of the Pepsi Crib, to ignore each other and attack only Eightfingers during the event. He gets a dozen more scars, but he is still far from the grave.

His bad performance at the Great Blow 2 fuels Jess Ballcutter, current Red Bull Champion, to defy Eightfingers. The stab in his crotch that she delivers in the middle of the fight only enrages the fighter even more, who tears Jess’ right arm off and beats the crap out of her with it. Eightfingers still keeps the remnants of Jess’ skull as part of his armor: a groin protector. And no one dares to speak about the virility of Eightfingers after the fight, as the only one who did ended up with his back broken and his head shoved up his own ass.

Albrech Pyum and his personal bodyguards disappear without leaving a trace one night, after attending a party at The Blue Oyster tavern. Everyone talks about Eightfingers exacting just revenge against his former Lord, but there are no evidences or even bodies, so there is no punishment either.

Eightfingers continues his unstoppable fighting career, but loses his first fight against Radiactive Radshenko, from the Coke Crib. After months of recovery, he is back in action just in time for THE GREAT BLOW 3: BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!!! At the end of the final round there only still stand Eightfingers from Pepsi, Radshenko from Coke, The Carston Twins from 7Up and Mary Massacre from Sprite.

Mary gets massacred, the Carston Twins are from now on only Plain Carston, and Radshenko lost a hand along with the fight. Only Eightfingers survived more or less intact to the fight and, taking the Coke can from the chest of the dying Raschenko, he repeated his famous phrase “I would rather cut one of my own fingers” and switched sides, much to the horror of Dentrium, Lord of the Pepsi Crib. Rumors fly everywhere again, that he had bet quite a lot of money against his own House.

After that, and afraid that his example would spread among other fighters, the Pit Lords decided to write new rules about the pit fights, forbidding fighters to turn their backs on their houses even if they had made an early warning.

Currently Eightfingers continues his successful career as a pit fighter, increasing his own fame and that of his house Coke… at least until he can think of another trickery, or decides to pay for his own freedom with the wealth he has accrued.

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