Celebrities of the Wasteland: Clint “Crackshot”

“There are two kinds of people in this fucked-up world: those with a loaded gun, and those who dig. You do the digging.”


Clint “Crackshot”? He’s da fuckin’ man! He is one of those guys who will surely become a popular legend among Wastelanders, no doubt about that. There are dozens and hundreds of stories about this fella, but then, you can’t be sure of how many of them are just bullshit, but if you see this guy in real action I tell you buddy that you will believe each and every of them.

Most gangs in Scrapbridge and the surrounding area compete to death to hire him… if they can afford his services, that’s it, because this bastard has one of the highest payrolls in the Nowater’s mercs list. And on top of his regular fees, he also charges a percentage on each body left behind. I have heard that some gangs were forced to dismiss him sooner than expected, because he was dropping so many bodies that they wouldn’t have enough bullets to pay him when he was done!

He always carries with him his Winchester rifle pimped-up with a scope sight made by Samantha O’Sullivan herself (it’s said around here that they were “engaged” at some point in the past, and… well… knowing her background, you can buy that story for sure), which he calls Lucy. If you ever cross his path, don’t even think about touching the gun or even looking at it, this guy has some sort of sick relationship with that weapon. He cleans it so much, that one of these days the rifle will just vanish in thin air. He even talks to it! But he also has some other strange quirks, such as when someone hires him no one else in the crew can carry a firearm. He says Lucy doesn’t like the competence. Rumors say that once he took hell of a time to aim his shot at a bobblehead and, when he was just about to pull the trigger, a scumbag with a piece smoked the mutard and dropped him for good. That poor bastard’s joy was really short, just the time it took Crackshot to blow his face off.

It is also said that this guy betrayed his former partner, and that’s why he always work solo these days. They were supposedly running this bounty-collecting scam, some rip-off based on him and his buddy taking turns in turning each other in to collect their bounties. Obviously that was just bullshit, because none of them ever ended up doing any time or underground, so they simply chose the settlement offering the highest reward for any of them both and deliver his ass to the authorities. Then, before the locals could take the law into their own hands or the bastard was publicly executed, his partner would come back into town guns blazing or blow half the place into pieces to rescue the prisoner and leave the locals staring open-mouthed, without victim and completely broke. Well then, some people say that in some given moment of their careers Clint came to the conclusion that his partner, whose name is not remembered even by his own mother, was no longer a good investment, so he didn’t show up to save the man when it was his turn to do so. Clint allowed them to tie his buddy to a pole and be eaten alive by a bunch of biters, which seems to be the way people around that area get a hard-on executing people. Nasty stuff, I tell ya. But don’t go fucking around and spreading this shit, because he surely won’t like it if he knows about you spreading shit all over his name… Now he works alone and always leaves a clear body trail so everybody knows for sure he fulfills his contracts.

During the Great Buffamels Stampede it was Clint who drove the beasts away, and if he hadn’t done it, now we would only have the scrap in Scrapbridge. I swear on my brother’s grave, who is sitting over there drinking and talking to that whore, that he put down at least thirty of those creatures. A pity their meat is not able to eat, because we would have had munch for the rest of the year, but we still stock a shitload of fat from their humps. The worst thing was having to pay him for that, I think we had to ask for a loan from the Mirinda Crib in Nowater. Maybe it would have been cheaper for us just letting the buffamels to run the entire city down and send it to Hell.

But look, he is not always such a mean bastard, you know? I’m telling you a story that may change your mind:

There was this settlement to the west called Sintown, controlled by two rival gangs: the Tango’s Rattlesnakes and the Cash Forties. They had been warring for years, and of course the ones paying for it were the innocent citizens of Sintown, who had to suffer all kinds of abuses and be prey to the racketeering rings of both gangs. One day Crackshot showed up by pure chance in that place and Tango decided to tip the balance once and for all, so he hired the merc to decimate Cash’ gang. His performance was so fucking unbelievable that they had to dismiss him or risk complete ruin paying his fees. Big mistake! They didn’t realize that with that move they had given Cash green light to hire the gunman, and sure as hell he did. The bastard took out most of Tango’s crew, who had no option left but to hire him back to finish off the rest of Cash’ gang. So he did and at the end only Cash was left standing. The gang leader hired Clint again and ordered him to do the same to his rival’s. Finally the only survivors from the former proud gangs were Tango and Cash, and the citizens of Sintown wasted them for good. When you go down there, you will see two chalk-white skeletons hanging from a sign that reads “Welcome to Sintown, tread carefully”.

There is another version telling that there were the Sintown villagers who actually hired Crackshot, and that Tango fell for the trick without even noticing anything could be wrong. And he didn’t charge a single bullet to those villagers, although it is true that he got a small fortune scamming both rival gangs.

So now you know, if you are going to hire Clint Crackshot you’d better have enough bullets to equip a small regiment, because if you fall short of them on payday maybe the last thing you see is Lucy aiming at your sorry face.

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