Beasts of the Wasteland: Twistlings



As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.

There are few creatures as awful and nasty as the twistlings. They are ugly as fuck and they don’t smell much better, but anyone knows that owning a hot female twistling for these disgusting little creatures to mate with will make you one of the richest (and most paranoid) men around.


Have you ever heard the phrase “If I had that face, I would teach my ass how to speak”? Well, twistlings seem to have taken it too literally, as their asses are where their faces were supposed to be and vice versa. What should be their tiny arms are their hind legs, and where you should see their “arms” there actually are two mighty legs with which they walk quite fast. The whole thing is quite disgusting to see, because when they walk they have to raise and make completely visible not only their ass, but also their huge bollocks, while their face is always almost at ground level looking for any random leftover to eat right away. Their faces bear some resemblance to an ugly or really ugly humanoid, and in fact they look a lot like my second uncle Gilbert, except for the third eye they have in the middle of their frowns.


Although they have no special habitat and it is possible to find a twistling anywhere around the Scrapbridge area, they certainly have a liking for swampy and smelly zones. Maybe the reason is that way they can partially conceal their own stench or, on the contrary, they find the smell to be a mesmerizing fragrance. They are lonely and quite rare creatures, but if there is a female in heat (or “oestrus”, which is a new word I have just learnt) around the area it is fairly common to find a bunch of males farting around like if there was no tomorrow.
Because of that maybe you have seen some of specimens of this race in any methane farm, and I myself are implementing their use in some of my machines in the guild at Scrapbridge (with all my papers and legal shit approved by the Council, of course, everything done by the book; don’t pay attention to my dickhead neighbours, who only criticize for the sake of it and have no tolerance at all to some minor foul smell).


Twistlings are known mainly for their capacity to expel countless lethal-smelling farts. During the mating season, easy to guess as their faces turn as red as a tomacco, male twistlings seek to win the females’ favor (well, I’m trying to be polite here… I am talking about sex… you know, males trying to feed the ladies with their meat tacos) by farting without any restraints. That male who farts the smelliest and loudest intestinal gas will hit the jackpot, while the rest will eat shit (bwahaha, I had an easy eschoti… eschetal… eschatili… rude joke).
The problem is that there are really, really few females, and to make things worse, if she is ugly for the males’ standard, they will pay her no attention at all. So when they find a really hot female who turns them on competition turns ruthless, and crossing the mating grounds of these creatures in such conditions becomes disgusting to the point of puking out.


The most common use for these critters is, undoubtedly, as methane generators. If you are lucky enough to get your hands on a pretty female twistling you can earn quite an awful amount of bullets, and if you really want to get into real business, you can hire it to several methane farms and see their horny males farting like there was no future. The only problem is that females are so scarce, it is quite possible that someone wants to slit your throat and steal her from you. That is why most of the methane farms are powered by flatulerds, which expel much smaller farts but are really abundant and nobody is going to tickle your balls for such animals.
Their meat taste acceptably and when they are no longer of use as farters, it is quite common to sacrifice them and sell them to a meatmonger or a fast food joint. If the twistling is killed during the mating season, you have to leave its meat at least two days in vinegar to take away any foul smell. The most wanted part of their bodies is no doubt their testicles, which some call a delicacy; I have really never been into eating nobody’s balls. Their third eye (well, or fourth, now that I think about it, it depends on whether you count their asshole or not, you feel me?) is grinded and sold as some kind of drug used to see things you can’t usually see. I don’t know, I reckon it will give you a hell of a rush or something.

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