Beasts of the Wasteland: Ratus Bad-assus



As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.

During my long live as a bugger I have run into many different creatures, of any size and shape and in any place you can imagine in the known Wasteland. And I have to say, as big honcho of the critterology guild of Scrapbridge, that you can find these little fuckers skittering around any place with heaps of rubbish, waste, or any organic decaying material… which, now that I think about it, is a description fit for all Scrapbridge…

I’m talking about the Ratus Bad-assus, or in your illiterate language, big-ass rats. They are steroid-buffed cousins of their lesser kin, the cockrats, which you can find hiding in any pipe, tunnel or drainage system in almost any decent settlement.


Contrary to their siblings dwelling among humans and mutards, these beasts have very few natural predators and have evolved to some crazy sizes, like my uncle Rose’s phat white ass, or to be more precise give or take two feet high (here in Scrapbridge we follow the imperial measurement system, not that sissy decimal thing Frenchies use) and up to 6 feet long including their pinky leathery tail which is a disgusting thing to see.

This vermin have really powerful legs to sprint around all the time and even climb almost vertical surfaces with no apparent problems. They have big, triangular heads with one eye socket on each side, but hear this: they have two eyeballs in each socket, so that give us… erh… four, four eyes in total which can be aligned all in different directions or adjusted to different light conditions. Their smell sense is great thanks to their big pink or brown snouts, and I have personally verified they also have a great hearing although their ears are not particularly big. The teeth, oh, the teeth are sharp and sturdy, capable of chewing away even metal from the thickest pipes, and don’t get me started on their claws: little retractable scythes of pain and misery. Their skin if covered in gray or black fur, always surrounded by stench of decay and rot, wet with some filthy type of grease they seem to secrete naturally. Their tail is usually as long as the rest of the actual body, and my guess is that they use it to lure females (females of their species, you perverts; I sholdn’t be explaining this) because if you cut it off they don’t seem to be very upset in their everyday vermin life…


They live in caves, specially if they are humid (humid means wet, you moron) and the drainage systems of the cities of the World of Before. Pigsty has a decent population of these little bastards and there is a specially big and mean brood of them under the surface of Gleaming Towers. Many junkers have found their miserable ends devoured alive by a pack of Ratus in that doomed city…


The Ratus Bad-assus roam in packs and cling to permanent territories. There are few females, which usually stay in their burrows pregnant all the time with their boobs flayed out of draggin’ them on the ground and nipples dry after so much breastfeeding. Males are the ones to go out hunting and thus are quite more aggressive than the females. But aside from being omnovi… homnivu… that they can eat anything, they also are quite hipsterous creatures that can bang each other no matter the gender, specially when they are bored for long periods of time.


You can probably find little use for a creature that eats shit, but having met in person Old Ratcutter once in the past, I decided to investigate matters further. It took me 10 buddies from my exploration team to realize that their meat causes fatal infections and deseases. Funny thing, only the meaty snout and the tail of the females seem to be edible for humans.

And if you are thinking about making yourself a Ratus skin coat, I wouldn’t recommend it as they are very heavy. They are, indeed, useful to waterproof the roof of your hut if you don’t mind it to smell like shit for the rest of your days. Their claws are useful cutting tools, but break after no that much uses. But their teeth are really sharp and resilient, so that would be your best choice. If you don’t have nails to cover the leak on your crib’s ceiling, use Ratus fangs.

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