Beasts of the Wasteland: Punkicorns



As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.

Although my job here is talking about the beasts that roam the Wasteland, I don’t have a fraggin’ clue whether these ones fall into that category or not, as their origins seem to be in the very, very deviant mind of some mad doctor of the World of Before who created them as a living weapon of mass destruction. But let’s be honest, isn’t that true for most of the creatures I talk about?


Punkicorns can only be described as the most lovely and fluffy creatures you may ever see. Just like my aunt Mathilda, but the other way around. But that’s not surprising, as that overpowering fluffiness is exactly their reason to be. They are really soft animals with a face looking at you with those big, wet eyes that say “love me”. Like the old horses of the legends, but shorter, chubbier, with funny colors and… of course, a big ass horn on their foreheads. The pet your daughter, your wife and your mother would like to have. And you too, sissy, do you think you can fool me?


It’s rare to see wild punkicorns roaming free, but they do exist. They mate with extreme caution and with a happy face you would eat whole. They aren’t especially fast or nimble, and they are easy prey for predators. But even the dumbest creatures around have learnt it’s not a good idea to bite them.

They are most usually seen in captivity, ready to be used for what they were engineered: living weapons. They are usually kept in cages with bars covered in plush, pink or violet in color (not because those colors work better, but out of habit), so they don’t have a hard surface to press themselves against and end up in disaster. You really have to be a mean motherfucker to use these critters for war, but hey, motherfuckers are an expanding species in the Wasteland.



Here is exactly the point: punkicorns live to be hugged. And if they are hugged with enough strength, which is almost impossible to avoid as no one would ever cuddle them not using all their hearts, they go boom. But they don’t explode as martabbits, where they die and in the worst case you get covered in guts. No, they go off violently and can wipe out anyone standing at close range, not to mention the poor fella hugging it. Their bones crack in sharp fragments that fly everywhere like shrapnel, cutting through anything in their path.

As soon as a punkicorn sees a person, it will happily jog in their direction, lovely eyes wide open and expelling rainbows from their hinds (ok, right, they just poop some adorable multi-colored turds). They are engineered to be almost impossible to resist, grabbing them while saying some stupid shit like ‘cuddly-widdles’ and hugging that fluffy cotton ball to death (literally). If you are at a distance, the good thing is that when it goes kaboom, not only wipes out any living being around, but as their guts are light, thin and multi-colored, they fall slowly for a while like confetti making all that destruction happy and fun to watch.


The main use for punkicorns is the one they were designed for: being used as a weapon. Set them loose near your enemies and let their charm do its job. Even so, I have to say here that using punkicorns is quite frown upon in the Wasteland, because the most usual victims they find are children. These poor younglings are even more prone than adults to hug these creatures on sight, even after being warned by their parents.

There are some people who have punkicorns as pets, but that’s a risk never worth taking on the long term. You can lock it in a plush cage and try to resist its lure, but I don’t really understand what wicked effect they cause on people, that sooner or later you will open the cage and cuddle it for good.

Punkicorn poo, also known as turdbow, is multi-colored and you will want to lick it good if not for the fact that it smells like my mother-in-law after eating frijoles. But when dry it’s like a really nice rainbow stone you can sell as decoration. They say punkicorn horn is afro… aphidi… aprodic… turns you on like a dog. You have to shove it up your ass and it seems to work wonders.

Their skin is usually used to line cushions, the ones with laces, embroideries, trims and all that stuff your grandma would use. But you have to be careful to remove it from a punkicorn that had died from natural causes, or you will be the one being used as cushion filling.


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