As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.
The Wasteland wouldn’t be such a nasty place to live in, apart from the shootings, starving to death, diseases, wacko cults, fucking Mutards, radiation, feral beasts and that filthy hag of my mother-in-law, if it wasn’t for the moscorpions. Yeah, those flying vampires that sneak into your crib while you sleep on a quiet summer night and deliver such painful bites to you. Those ones.
Moscorpions are like a flying arachnid, with eight legs and a huge sting on the rear part of their triangular and squat body. To fly they use two oval-shaped wings, one on each side of their back, thick as an engine grille (quite enough to lift that heavily armored body of theirs). They have a really tiny head, with two bulging eyes full of hundreds of smaller eyes inside them, two ridiculous antennae and a pair of quite strong, hairy pincers on each side of the opening they use as mouth. Although their size usually is the same as a that of a common cockroach, I have seen individuals as small as a nail and others as big as my third cousin’s cock, “Two Guns” Günderssen, the one living in the wooden shack on the third level, near to the latrines. They call him like that even if the guy only carries an old six-shooter hanging from his belt, you know what I mean. Something out of this world, I tell you. Mutardesque, I would dare to say.
Any place is good for a colony of moscorpions, but they really have a crush for inhabited areas as those little pricks feed mainly on blood. They don’t care if it is human or animal blood (as far as I know not even this filthy vermin dare to bite mutards, something good had to have being a crap of humanity), and they stalk around any settlement to prey on any unaware living being, preferably if they are asleep. During heat waves or under extremely hot conditions it’s not an unusual sight to see them forming thick clouds of creatures over pools or ponds of still water, and I have came to the conclusion that natural humidity attracts them as it favors their breeding and egg hatching. I have never witnessed such process, thanks be given to the Ancients, but I have run several times into clutches of eggs hidden among the shrubs near some ponds which I suppose belonged to these species, as an angry cloud of mad moscorpions fell upon me in no time to drive me away of the place leaving my face as a Mutard’s ass in the process with their stings.
These critters seem to live only to feed themselves, that is, to suck blood from other bigger living beings. Buffamels, lizardcocks, dogs, your grandma… anybody is a potential target. But when the hot sun beats down their favorite tactic is to lay low in any dark, suffocating interior area, waiting for a happy, carefree inhabitant of Scrapbridge to go inside looking for shelter from the scorching heat or perhaps wanting to take a brief nap. Then they start their slow, sadistic fly, circling overhead, searching for the perfect spot to land their goddamn legs on their victim’s skin and bury their sting to start sucking blood. Maybe it is not lethal, ok, but itches as hell and you remain all fucked up for several days. Luckily enough, their wingbeat is louder than an automatic rifle spitting bullets as if there was no tomorrow, so if you don’t sleep as deep as a fucking river rock, you will wake up just in time to begin a funny cat-and-mouse game all around your crib, throwing all kind of stuff at them or trying to squeeze them with anything at hand. But be careful, though, they are quite tough creatures and, if you don’t kill them on the first attempt, they will come back… with help.
None. They might be funny as a pastime, if you like chasing them around your place o trying to ambush them by staying awake in the dark waiting for their wing beat to betray their location. Apart from that, you can use them as a warning to other moscorpions, leaving their dead bodies smashed on the wall, ceiling or wherever you whacked them, so you can mark your territory. But perhaps you will only make the rest even madder at you… It’s your funeral, buddy…