As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.
Have you ever heard the expression “May a mongolongo fuck you!”? Well then, be warned that such creatures exist and they are the worst among the fucking worst of what you can come possibly come across in the Wasteland. Not even a highjacker attack is near such an experience. Cross a mongolongo in its own territory means to be exposed to such a level of humiliation and indignity you won’t want to talk about it with nobody, and even I, a highly reputed scientific in Scrapbridge, had a hard time digging out stories and info about them.
Mongolongos are apelike creatures as tall as a man or more, but usually they don’t seem like that as they walk hunching forward and use their arms (nearly twice as long as their legs) to help them move faster on four legs. Their entire bodies are covered in quite a long and dense fur, which can range from white or grey to light brown or orange in colour, with the exception of their feet, hands and primate face. Their butt area, on the other hand, can acquire darker shades ranging from red to mahogany brown. They also have a virile member, which I can only describe as gargantuan, hanging freely between their legs in a most hypnotic way… or so I have been told. Prominent foreheads, sharp cheekbones and thick lips are the most defining features of their faces, in which a pair of little muskrat-like eyes constantly scan their surroundings in search of food or preys. But their sharpest sense is the hearing one, which they use to tray to locate some females.
Remote and rocky areas, far away ridges and cliffs less traveled are the usual living zones for these creatures. They seem satisfied with living in natural caves or grottos, where they seek shelter from the weather and retreat to eat the fruits, briers or herbs they can find in their errands (as far as I have been able to investigate, they are basically vegetarians). They don’t seem to be a social bunch or prone to form any type of packs between them, although it is quite frequent to find small groups of two or three individuals sharing the same cave in times of need. But these bunches don’t last long, as there is always one individual who cannot stand the pressure and finally somodi… sodozi… shove it up the ass of his partner, breaking all hells loose in the process.
Mongolongos live on a perpetual heat state. Females must be a more scarce resource than my third uncle “Pool ball” Pete’s hair, because males are as horny as hell 24/7 all year around. Their only occupations during daylight hours are eating and screwing any living being that crosses their path, with those huge dicks they have hanging as ill-rolled up firefighter’s hoses. A mongolongo’s attack is usually forewarned by the cracking sounds made with their thick knuckles hitting against the rocks, with which they warn all nearby potential competitors that the prey at sight is theirs and they must stand aside, just as my aunt Renata does when she sees a nice steak. But if you hear this call you would do best not to scream like a little girl, because people’s horrified screams are quite similar to those produced by a female mongolongo on heat, and the only thing you would get are more of these frenzy ass-busters chasing you.
Then the mongolongo stalks its prey as it gets closer, always trying to catch its target by surprise and from behind, to jump on it unexpectedly. During the last dash before busting its prey’s ass wide open, the mongolongo emits a series of really disgusting excitement and pleasure growls and grunts that usually turn the target into a weeping, helpless victim. Any animal or person can be a valid target for this dirty creatures, as mongolongos don’t say no to anything and they can bang a human, a mutard, a landshark or even a lizarcock (which will most likely die by impalement in the process) with equal ease. The only animal they don’t dare to screw are the martabbits, as they seem to have learnt how bad can it be for their sexpoles to shove them into an over-excited evoxploding martabbit.
These sexual affaires are quick, brutal and seriously painful, according to some survivors who prefer to remain anonymous, during which the mongolongo is panting and drooling over the prey’s neck all the time. Once their sexual appetite is satiated, they walk away without saying good bye or giving a simple hug to their victim, that is left bruised and crying on the floor. There are not many things in the Wasteland worst than being raped by a mongolongo, except if it gets confused and attacks you from the front breaking your teeth in the process. Or being attacked by a marsh ballbreaker… Owwww, man, yeah, a marsh ballbreaker is soooo nasty…
Hunting mongolongos was a quite popular pastime around the rocky areas south of Scrapbridge some years ago, but the risk of being ambushed by one of these creatures was so high that the activity slowly fell in disuse. The bodies of these ape-like die-hard fuckers turned out to be useless, as their meat was tough, chewy and had a really disgusting taste, while their fur was so hard and rough that the only use the Bridgers could find to it was making wire brushes. Their teeth can make interesting trophies to warn your rivals that your ass is not to be played with, and their balls are sold in some places as aphrodisiacs for sissies. There are those who cut their paws to stuff them and use them as ashtrays for their cigs, or some smart ass cook who has been serving “chilled mongolongo brains” of late… which are not that bad, but cost a fortune for the risks taken by the hunter who has to go after them. But for the most part the best you can do with these creatures is the same as with my fourth wife: tell them to fuck off. Alive, on the other hand, they are a constant source of legends, tales to scare children (and grown-ups, for sure!!) and popular sayings like “May a mongolongo fuck you”, “A mongo up your ass”, “You make me mongo”, “To be as horny as a mongolongo” or “You are useless even as mongolongo’s bait”.