Beasts of the Wasteland: Lizarcocks



As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.

If you ever had a childhood, you most definitely have kicked more than one, two or a hundred of these creatures here or there across the Wasteland. Lizarcocks are among the few animals left on the surface of Earth that won’t try to tear your arm off, or gut you out, or lay its eggs in your throat for it to explode when they hatch. They are stupid, tame and they spend their lives eating any muck they can find.


Lizarcocks look like that giant statue of a lizard standing on its two fat hindlegs, the one with that big-ass head and two useless tiny arms, that you can find going up the road past The Twins. The Jurassic-something, as it reads in the signal that is lying on the ground in front of it. It’s exactly like that, but with fewer teeth, a kinda weird and disgusting flabby crest, and a peak which they use to peck everything that comes into their radar. And under that peak there are these nasty fleshy sacks, as if they had their balls just hanging under their mouths, which is really revolting to see, let alone touching. They also have bulging, big, dark eyes, the kind of eyes that look without seeing, and that contribute to give them even a dumber asshole look.


Few are the elders that remember how these creatures came to live among the Wasteland’s settlements, but the thing is they seem to have been here forever. They are docile, tame, and you can raise them in any shack’s backyard, and those suckers won’t try to flee, or eat you, or anything. They just hang around, scratching and pecking the ground, waiting for someone who brings them any edible leftover. I have never heard of any of these animals living free or wild, or any of them that grows to be bigger than my gruesome-big-headed brother-in-law’s head, “Tankhead” Ramón, which is huge as hell, but really not that scary. Lizarcocks, I mean, because if you cross Ramón in some narrow back alley of Scrapbridge, he can scare the crap out of you and drop you down in a sec.



As I have already said, these are the dumbest and tamest creatures on earth. You can kick them at will and the only thing you will get in response is some kind of snorting, halfway between a gas leak and a well done belch. Apart from that, at the next second they will be back again around you to see if you feed them, endlessly uttering some strange throaty sounds as if they were chocking forever. Although at first sight they can look all the same, females tend to be smaller and they usually don’t have that fluffy crest on their heads or the hanging nuts under their peaks, which leads me to affirm almost without a doubt that their reproductive organs are indeed in there. I have never seen any two of them getting laid to check it out in person, but thing is that females lay quite a number of eggs once in a while, which are white and with a considerable size (like a fist, more or less), and if you don’t fry and gobble them (they are delicious, by the way), they will take care of them by sitting their scaly ass over them until a little lizarcock hatches out. And there we go again, because the little bastard will grow really fast by gulping down anything it can find at ground level until it becomes an adult.


As said before, lizarcock eggs are awesome if you fry them on a butane canister with some anti-freezing fluid or engine grease. There is some people that makes soups with their crests and the nauseating flaps of their heads, but then again, there are also some guys who eat buffalotte’s balls, so… there’s people for everything, ya know… Besides, you can also tuck in some of the adult ones, as their flesh is quite tasty (although a bit dry), similar to that of the snakes but way less leathery. In fact, in some points of the Wasteland it is blooming a whole new business of breeding, killing, packing and selling these animals, whether it be freshly killed or cooked well fried, coated with some type of batter and sold in pieces in giant buckets. They are a cheap, tasty dish that is quickly becoming a favorite of the gangs of youths that gather here and there to fuck around, drink and whoop it up one day and the next.

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