Beasts of the Wasteland: Landsharks



As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.

Today I will tell you about the Landshark, one of the most dangerous predators in the Wasteland. They are always hungry and are extremely voracious, so if you cross through one of their territorios you will have a really hard time.


This creature is a weird crossover between a mole and a shark, with a huge maw ugly as a mutard’s ass that holds three rows of sharp teeth (the fourth one, luckily, is composed of blunt molars). This mean beast can mesure between 5′ and 10′, males being bigger than females, and walks on three pairs of legs that end in claws perfectly fitted for digging. They are totally blind, but they display an awesome sensitivity and tremor or noise sensing both below and above ground.


These beasts crawl underground in sandy areas or those with loose or soft soil, where they can move like fish in the water … (hey, you got that one?). Nicely enough for us that is not the kind of ground around the Scrapbridge area, but on the crappy side of it, in their nesting areas there is always a shitload of these critters.Terraburón


Landshark’s main hunting tactic is by using baits. They lay their eggs plain on the open, where they become a tasty dish for many other small animals (including, of course, us humans). When their prey comes closer to snatch an egg… CHOMP! Nasty as hell munching-time. You can say that this is a new step in evolution, one in which offspring begins to be useful even before hatching. Not like… well, this is not the place to talk about my nephew.


Landshark’s eggs are really appreciated, as the omelettes you can make with them are great calorific and nutritive sources. Besides, their embryo’s oil is an awesome lubricator for any kind of machinery or weapon’s mechanisms.

The meat from an adult landshark is dry and leathery, so usually you won’t risk your ass for it. Anyway, if you actually put down one of these creatures, their skin is tough and thick enough to make good leather armours. Moreover, a necklace made of landshark’s teeth will be a good proof of how mean a warrior is (apart of being cool as hell), and many taberns are willing to pay good bullets to adorn their trophy-walls with the head of one of these land devils. Their fins are also used to make some so-called delicatessen soup (which actually tastes like shit).


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