Beasts of the Wasteland: Highjackers



As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.

Highjackers are some of the nastiest creatures you can run into in the Wasteland, but luckily they don’t use to leave the limits of the ruined city of the ancients known as Gleamingtowers, so you will have to really hit the road to be in danger of catching them eyes.


These nasty flyers are like bad-ass 9 feet long apes, with grey skin and weird heads that looks like the skin had completely withdrawn to their backs, sporting all kinds of funny colors like red or blue. They also have a maw full of row after row of enormous teeth, as well as a thick mane of fur over their backs and part of their chests. But their forelegs are actually a pair of featherless wings, really leathery and disgusting like those of the bats, covered with creases and warts, which they use to soar in the sky looking for tasty preys. Their rear legs end in gruesome-looking talons, vicious as hell, sharp, black and twisted, and the only time I have ever seen a highjacker walking on the ground (to get close to a poor soul of a Junker with his guts out who was using his last breath to crawl away from the beast) they made a really disgusting screech on the solid rock, while the highjaker walked clumsily aided by its folded wings. Their bodies end in the rear in a dwarf tail, coiled and useful as shit, like the one my dumb cousin has. The weirdest thing in their anatomies are some disgusting and slimy tentacles that cover their bellies, that curl and slash all the time as if they were trying to touch or ooze everthing.


As I said before, highjackers don’t use to leave Gleamingtowers, which is both a mystery and a fucking relief. Being as they are flying creatures that spend most of their time soaring above the world, they like to nest in the highest places they can find, and obviously the tall buildings of metal and glass that are still standing in the midst of these ruins are the highest vantage points in many miles around. It is also of help the fact that the ruins are still protected by a lot of bloody traps left behind by whoever that fucker was, like booby traps, pits, automatic weapons, mines and all kind of shit like that; so as almost anyone gets round there, the highjackers can do their own things without worrying about any natural predator having the balls to go at them like that.



Highjackers are called like that because they like hijacking people from above and taking them to their nests aloft (be warned, this clever name is copyrighted by me and it is going trendy!). You are dumb as fuck, minding your business such as taking a leak o searching a particularly interesting pile of rubble… and the next thing you know is darkness has fallen and a shadow covers the sun. If you are lucky enough, the beast will be just pissed-off (I *think* they piss, as they have weenies) by your presence and will kill you instantly chomping off your head, but if not, you will suffer a mean agony while it lifts you off the ground with its belly-tentacles and takes you to. I cannot begin to imagine what will happen in their “nests”, once they are there with their prey, but I am sure it won’t be anything pretty, ok? I don’t want to know how their fucking nests are, or how many eggs they lay at once, or even if they lay bloody eggs at all (as I said, males have weenies and females the other thing, so maybe they don’t), or if their brood are like lovely fur-covered huggin’ teddy bears or they are born already with that motherfucker face… They are really, really mean beasts. Those you want to be far away from when they show up, real demons to be avoided.


Come on, are you kidding me? What use would have a carnivorous, flying, cruel and bastard bat-squid with a scrotum-face to anyone? Forget about capturing one alive, that is for sure, because they fight to death and attack any living being that gets under their radar. And the very few I have seen death, and I think they died at the claws of their own kin for acting too boldly, didn’t seem to be of any use neither. Their meat is not appealing at all, the skin is too thick to work with it or manufacture anything (and it smells like shit), and if you try to take that teeth sharp as Eightfinger’s daggers off, you will lose some of your own fingers to get… some very sharp daggers… well, that maybe cool to shave in the morning. The mane that covers part of their bodies stinks even months after being cut, so it’s worthless even as a coat or cloak.
Maybe the talons or the skull, used as simple trophy. If I see any guy with a necklace made of two or three of these claws, I will shit in my pants and get away as soon as possible. And if you think you have what it takes, try climbing one of those towers and looking for their eggs to make an omelette, operator. Speaking about omelettes, I know this guy who using some potatoes and the boiled tentacles of a highjacker we found dead, well soaked in landshark oil, made us a dish that was even edible.

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