As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.
Nature is whimsy, we all know that, but she has clearly gone off the mark with these poor forgophants. You might not know much about them, but you clearly like their pearls, eh, little fuckers?
Forgophants are quite big animals, like four dickpits put together or a couple of rockmunchers. They have quite a big head, with two funny huge ears and five trunks hanging under their faces. They also have big-as-fuck asses, but in a nasty, flabby way (like the one my first sister-in-law’s aunt had, not the bouncy, chubby ones you stare at as they walk by). From the lower part of their bodies come out some kind of appendices ended in osseous blades… I mean, bone sharp things, for those of you who don’t have my educated language.
But the weirdest thing of all is that these huge beasts go… floating around stirring the ground below with their hanging appendices. They are like fat balloons, but floating always in a straight line without steering a bit. No matter if they get into a sandstorm or you try to push them as hard as you can.
They have really thick, sturdy skins in colors ranging from light grey to dirty brown. This skin is so hard that not even a bullet will pierce it, and every attempt to hunt one of these creatures has ended in a sound failure; I know the Stumps band tried long and hard to do so, trying to pull apart one of these creatures with four bikes dragging from four different directions, but they only run out of fuel and had a couple of accidents.
Forgophants spend their lives floating in a straight line without a pause, so they can fuckin’ be anywhere in this forsaken land. If they find an obstacle they just hover over it, getting higher if they need to, and then float back down near the ground.
These lonely creatures travel vast distances in a straight line during their lives, feeding on the only thing there is plenty of in the Wasteland: dust, that they stir with their appendices and suck through their trunks. Forgophants have developed a digestive system capable of process this dust somehow and turn it into food, which provides them with enough energy to keep floating in a constant movement. Once digested they expel these particles in the form of fluff balls which, occasionally, get stuck in areas nearby their anuses (buttholes, for those of you who like rude words) creating one of the most valuable, if not disgusting, jewels known to man: the forgophant pearls.
We know very few about the breeding process of these creatures, apart from the fact that they can impregnate themselves (yes, they can fuck themselves) and that, thanks to joint investigations done with scholars from other settlements, they lay an egg exactly every 47,779 miles. Nature, which sometimes knows what the fuck she’s doing, must have done this to compensate other of the particular traits of these animals. If for whatever the reason or chance two forgophants meet together, they just stay there side by side making noises, grunts and sighs forgetting to do anything else including eating or breathing, so in time they will inevitably die. These coca… cola… coal… meeting places we call forgophant graveyards. My guess is that these fuckers have so many things to tell each other after a life of floating in solitude (alone, you morons) that they just stay there, talking as stupids.
Apart from that, no one has ever seen a dead forgophant on his own, so we have to assume they don’t die of natural causes. But you all know that children’s tale that says when one of them dies alone, he floats up to the sky and that’s how the moon was created, with a lump of forgophants packed together.
Among common people the sight of a forgophant is believed to bring good luck. But everyone knows that the real treasure is their pearls, which you can sell for hundreds of bullets in the right settlement. The most usual method to get these jewels is digging in forgophant poo, that, in spite of looking pretty like a small hill of cotton candy, have the foulest smell you will ever get to infect your poor noses.
Once said that, you have probably deduced by now that the real crotch-wetting sight for any wastelander is a forgophant graveyard. The biggest ever recorded had four of this animals’ corpses, but if you get to find two of them you can call yourself the luckiest bastard around. Digging in their poo can give you a few pearls if you are lucky, but sticking your hands in their dead, rotten buttholes can make you hit a real jackpot. And if you are thinking in just cutting the beast and see if there is anything valuable inside, forget about it; something in the pearls’ metablo… melta… malto… composition makes them dissolve if not extracted through the anus. So get ready to make a rectal exam to the corpse of a nasty, flabby, pestilent creature if you want to get rich, which by the way is one of the most disgusting things you can ever do. Such are the risks, that no few treasure hunters have died out of pure disgust and revulsion at the sight of what’s inside a forgophant’s ass, while others have been rejected by their families and neighbors due to the clinging smell that remained forever on their bodies.
*Both the image and a great deal of the forgophant’s background are the work of Ignatius.