As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.
Across the Wasteland you can find quite a bunch of creatures that will kill you in a thousand creative ways. There are others that will make you chuckle at their funny looks. Many of them are just minding their own business. But there are few creatures as mean, cunning and dastardly than a Faceflip.
Faceflips are not specially large creatures, maybe a couple of feet tall for the biggest specimens (hahaha, that just sounds like semen). Their hindlegs are quite musucular and they put ‘em to good use for running at a decent speed, jumping or walking on two legs if they want to. The front legs are thinner, but also much, much more nimble as many of you might know. Their bodies are covered in quite a short fur with dull colors ranging from grey to faded brown, being the exception the upper zone of males’ backs, where the fur is quite longer and the colors brighter (especialy during mating seasons). Then their tones can vary from yellow to bright red, or a mix of several funny colors.
But as many of you might be suspecting already, the funniest thing about a creature called ‘faceflip’ are their faces. They are not very attractive beasts anyway, and their heads look more or less like a 5 pounds round bread. Watching a herd of these animals is the same than going to visit my auntie Acussia in Hammerings, and finding her with all her female neigbours spying from their windows withh all their stupid, round faces. So, thing is this there are plenty of animals uglier than a faceflip… until they are having a good time. Then the skin on their faces rolls back and everything is exposed in a gory way. That’s really disgusting to watch and hard to describe, it’s just as if their faces flip inside out and everything is exposed to the world. «Hey, that’s why they are called ‘faceflips'». Yeah, you got it, asshole.
Faceflips can be found in almost any region with a mild weather or lacking any aggresive predator, but they are more an more frequently seen near settlements. They seem to be growing fond of human company… or even mutards, mind my words. Our grandparents would probably get freaked out if they saw a faceflip arond their huts, but now it’s becoming a familiar sight to go for a walk in any neighborhood and spot one of them pacing around They have noticed that it’s quite easier to live near humans and steal food and things from them, than having to get a life on their own out there in the Wasteland. What I don’t know is if the herds from the wild areas have just moved in near settlements, or the ones living in the wild just died and the ones that prospered were those near villages. Who fuckin’ knows.
They are quite more agile than you might think at first sight, and capable of jumping or climbing onto hard-to-reach areas. And that’s exactly the places they like to spend their time in when in any inhabited settlement.
And, of course, it’s getting more common to see them as pets of sorts in some Wasteland cribs.
I don’t need to tell ya what faceflips do, as many of you might have suffered it in your own flesh. Well, yes, I have to because I am supposed to be writing a guide about ‘em. They like to steal. They are fuckin’ petty thieves. Nasty pickpockets. A fuckin’ pain in the ass if you aren’t paying attention. And the real problem is not that they always seem hungry and want to eat any food you might have unnatended. Fact is they don’t really seem to tell much things that are edible from those that are not, so they always try to eat or gobble up anything that fits in their mouthes.
Faceflips always go around in packs, two to four individuals. If you can only spot one, be aware, because there are a lot of chances than another one is lying in hide to try and steal something from ya. They might be beasts, but they are smart as fuck. They use tactics like two of them making an obvious move for something they seem to like, and then a third sneaking up from behind to snatch a different item. They have learnt to open bags and take things out of them. And although some time ago they were easy to catch just by using some bait, they have learnt from their errors and fuck me if now you can get one even near to a trap cage. Those little bastards can study their victims, adapt their tactics and generally get away with whatever treachery they are up to.
If that’s not enough, if they manage to get some item or piece of food and get it in their mouths, they seem to chuckle and then swallow it whole, while exposing their faces by rolling back their skin and making some dudes throw up in the process.
This whole face-flipping thing is causing great controb… cuntrov… cantor… issues among the scholars of Wasteland beasts. And that means me and the other three assholes writing articles for the CCCP (Condensed Compendium for Controlling Plagues) from Merkadome. Usually the beasts that make these things to look uglier than usual do it to scare and drive away any potential predator, but if you attack or corner a faceflip they will just run away with their «regular» faces. It’s just when they are «happy», when they are enjoying something, when they flip their faces and that makes no fuckin’ sense. You can see that when they steal something from you, as I said, but also when they are getting laid with a mate or, talking about tamed faceflips, when you scratch their bellies. I think that might be some kind of message to other faceflips, like «Look at me, I’m the king of the world and I’m having a hell of a time». But there are some theories that they used that action to lure mates in the past, and somehow they kept that trait for the moments they are happy in a vestigial way. I don’t know what the fuck that word means, but I read it somewhere and I liked it because it sounds educated.
There ain’t many uses for faceflips when found in the wild, but there are many for their shit. I mean, not for their actual poo, but for the many things they might have swallowed and shitted away. As I already told ya, these creatures have the habit of eating almost anything they can fit in their mouths… and that means that if it is not edible, it will eventually come out the other side of their bodies. And that’s a job for the shit-stirrers: people that makes a living out of looking for faceflips’ excrements and see what’s inside them. The problem is that faceflips, unlike other animals, don’t have an especific zone to go dumpin’, not even a permanent territory to live in. So they can do their thing virtually anywhere, usually places with no easy access. Thus, shit-stirrers have to track them down and comb the area in search of any dung. Not an easy task, but the best of them can really earn a good living. Most of the time there are no valuable things inside the poo, but sometimes they can put their (gloved) hands on bullets, jewels and small, valuable things like that. If you can stir a lot of shit, you will probably get some nice loot.
The other option, much more common, is to have one of this beasts as a pet. On the upper hand they are smart creatures you can teach quite a bunch of tricks, like bringing your slippers or watch your lizardcock corral. They are not aggresive and, well fed, they don’t tend to steal many things. Even so if they did, you just have to check the next time they take a dump to recover your shit (ya know what I mean). On the other hand, when kept in a warm place, well fed and such, they become happy animals and that means you will almost always see them with their faces flipped. And that’s not only an ungly as fuck vision, but they also leak some sticky goo from the back of their skin that makes everything on their path a mess.