Beasts of the Wasteland: Biters



As everyone knows, the Wasteland is full of dangerous critters, the type that can tear your balls off if you don’t know what you are doing. Usually folks go fucking around like true jackasses, without any second thought to what kind of beasts they might go across, and then it’s time for regretting and bleeding. That’s why I have decided to consecrate my life to be a boffin about all this, a respected Official Bugger and Mutardologist from the Scrapbridge Methane and Meat Electro-proteic Guild (in which I am founding member, as well as president, secretary, treasurer and field specialist). I am doctor Sarious, and I will try in this Guide to the animals, critters and mutations of the Wasteland to make a cool study about the animals that populate our world.

You probably have heard about these critters, if only because they have given their name to some hills near here, nasty fur balls with fangs and always extremely hungry: the biters.


These beings are not too big, enough to bite your crotch and leave you with the high-pitched voice of an eight years-old girl. They are four-legged and, without any doubt, their most awesome trait is a hideous great maw that occupies most of their faces. Above that infernal mailbox are two little eyes and, above them, their nose. Weird as hell, in a word.


You don’t have to be a fuckin’ genius to brain out that the place you can usually find these beasts is in the Biter Hills. This place must be really confortable to them, because they won’t budge even with the thickest stick. I have yet to find why, but it is clearly clear that there is something in that hills that attracts them a lot. Even though, it is not unusual to see some migratory movements of these creatures from time to time, maybe because the population in the Hills has grown too far, or because other herds (do they have herds, these little fuckers?) kick the shit out of them and throw them out. And that’s why it is not that rare (well, it is, but just not that much) that some dude comes back with news about stiff corpses of these creatures near a farm in the middle of the Wasteland, or that one of them ate half an asscheek of some poor Junker bastard that was taking a dump in a latrine in Samanthia.



Biters are really ravenous and aggressive creatures. Ferociously carnivorous, and cannibal for sure (I really doubt that any other species might want to cohabit in the hills with them, and no one has gone there to have a look). One or two might not be too dangerous, but they live in groups and attack as one any being unlucky enough to be on their radar. They pinpoint their prey mostly by using their sense of smell, and they can notice a fart you let go even in Festung Germania. And, hell, their sight is not bad at all, either.
Once they have taken hold of their prey, they don’t really honor their name: they don’t bite. They just chop big lumps of meat out of their victim by shaking like a madman, and then swallow the bloody pieces like that, without even munching them.
Females are a little bigger than males, and far more aggressive. They don’t give a shit about their offspring as soon as they are born, which they usually do in pairs. The male will take care of the newborns and, if he does not, he will get a big chomp out of his ass. Just like my neighbor does with her husband, you see.


Biters are not very useful, in general. Their meat is tough and disgusting, and their fur is harsh like that of a boar, so many people use it to make sturdy brushes. Moreover, if you hack their legs off, stitch their maws and bung their noses up, and after that inflate them up their asses, they can be used as really durable soccer balls. If you manage to capture one alive, in Nowater they are used in the pit fights to throw them at the rookie fighters or to face other beasts. There was a slick bookie down there that had a Biter tied to the point of a long stick, to piss his favorite pit beast off in the middle of the nastiest brawls in the cage, until the beast got crazy one day and made him swallow the stick, the biter and everything. Maybe you will get some bullets for them there. There are also those brave or stupid enough to use them as pets, but in general people don’t risk waking up with half a leg.

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